Trouble for me
by CarlyJx
Summary: AU, all human. Buffy's back from college in New York and all has changed. Her best friend is getting married and she's the maid of honor but it turns out she's falling for the groom. B/A
1. Welcome home

Trouble for me

Chapter 1

Sunnydale. Good old Sunnydale. I never thought I would be back here, always thought I would move on from here, away from everyone here but now, four years on I'm back to the same place that caused me so much heartache. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad. No, not at all. I had some wonderful friends, the best. Willow, Xander and Cordelia. They were always there for me but nothing they could do filled the whole in my heart, nothing.

Listen to me go on acting like someone died. No one died but I did loose apart of myself, a part that I can never get back. Have you ever loved someone with everything you have? I did, at least I thought I did. Back in high school I fell for Mr Popular, you know the type. Anyway I was young, actually in my sophomore year when Mr Popular asked me out. Of course I nearly fainted right there and then, I don't know how I managed to keep my cool but somehow I did. So that's how it was, we dated for about a month when we decided to take our relationship to the next step.

When I say we, what I really mean is him. He told me he loved me and to prove our love to each other we should spend the night together. Being as young as I was I would have done anything for him, with him so I agreed. After we had sex he went all distant. I heard from several people that he was playing around but being a love sick teenager took no notice. The day he finished with me was the worst day of my life. Not because he didn't love me anymore, he never loved me I realize that now but because I had wasted a year of my life with that jerk, I had let him be my first and that was the thing that tore me up.

Senior year was the year I got myself back together even though I knew people were talking about me.

"Stupid bitch"

"Slut"

"I can't believe she didn't know that he was cheating on her all that time"

I knew what they were all saying but I didn't care. I only had one year left in that place and that was it, I would finally be out, out of Sunnydale and out of California. As soon as I got my acceptance letter to a college as far away from here as I could get I packed my things up, said my goodbye's and left, not even looking back.

Not one day I though I would be back, not one but there I was at the bus stop with my things packed and waiting for a bus to come and take me to my mother's.

She's dead.

Didn't believe it at first. I was working as a counselor at a high school in New York when I got the phone call. I only graduated from college a month ago so when the Principle offered me the job I was chuffed. At first I thought he fancied me: Well I had no experience, nothing so why else would he hire me but then I learned that I wasn't his type, nowhere near his type as it goes.

Joyce Summer's, my mother was a tough, independent woman that was more then capable of looking after herself. She had to be to raise two daughters single handily. My father, Hank, wasn't around much after they got divorced.

Brain tumor they said it was. Even if it was caught earlier it wouldn't have made a difference they said but I don't believe them. Maybe if I was around then it wouldn't have happened, I could have helped. Dawn told me over the phone not to think like that, even if I was here it would have still happened. Dawn's my sister and now that my mother's dead, well I'm not sure what's going to happen to her. I doubt my father will want to take her in so I guess that only leaves me.

At the moment she's staying with my high school friend, Willow. Reliable Willow. We still talk, she calls me every week. Last week she told me she needed to tell me something but didn't tell me over the phone so I guess I'll hear it when I get back. The rest of my old high school friends, the rest. Ha! I only have two more. Xander and Cordelia well I've spoken to them a few times but not much. The last I heard they were both seeing someone which surprised me. I always thought that they were meant to be, obviously not.

I should be more upset, should I? My mother just died, well a few day's ago but I hadn't seen her for four years and I don't know, it hasn't really sunken in yet. Am I a bad person for not screaming crying? She was my mother for gods sake, she raised me! My world should be crumbling!

So why isn't it?

Everything used to be so simple didn't it? It's like Sunnydale brings back all those feelings that I would rather forget about back. Every single one of them. I sometimes wonder if things had been different would I have stayed here. What would it have been like?

College wasn't that great. I stayed away from the guys. My room mate thought I was a lesbian which didn't work out well because she was actually homosexual. One night she tried it on with me. How embarrassing. I spend the whole night explaining to her I wasn't gay. A week later she switched dorms, poor girl, she must have been even more embarrassed them me. I don't know how that's possible but it must have been. I didn't have a lot of friends in college, didn't bother with people much. I have trust issues you see, even been to a counselor about it. He said I should work through my issues, forgive the things in my past but there are something's you just can't forgive. I know I talk about my sophomore year like some killed me but in some way they did. Mr popular murdered my confidence, my self esteem. I know I only had three friends but I was still confident, I didn't care what people thought about me but now, I just rather be in the background

Its going to be weird isn't it? Going back, seeing everyone again. I know I should have kept in contact more but when I left I was hoping to leave everything behind but I guess you can never turn your back on some things, sadly.

-

_Past tense (When I mean past tense, i don't mean it happened in the past, I mean its written in the past tense, like instead of she is its she was. Get it? You'll see)_

God I'm so pathetic.

Really get over it, I tell myself that all the time, anyway I'm moving away from the point now I know. What I really wanted to do was tell you about my life and no, not my High school life. The thing that happened in high school seems like nothing after what happened when I got back here. I'm going to tell you all how I lost everything I ever had but gained what I've always wanted in just a few months.

Life's full of surprises isn't it?

Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you turned left instead of right? If you took the scenic rout instead of the shortcut? If you didn't let fear stop you from saying what you really felt?

I do. All the time actually.

When I finally stepped up and did those things, well, people didn't like it. They all expect you to fall in line like a good little soldier. Yes sir, No Sir, three bags frigging full sir. I'm not a soldier though. I don't have to fall in line.

You're probably all like what is the point of this? Get to the story already. Patience.

I'm eighty five now. I've had one hip replacement, three heart attacks and problems with my blood pressure but there is nothing I regret about my life. I've had a full one, a great one, there is not one thing I would change. Not ever. I have thirteen beautiful grandchildren who annoy the hell out of me but I love it. They all live close so I get to see them all the time. I'm never on my own, there's always some one here. They try to look after me but I tell them I'm more then capable. I don't need anyone trying to shove me in a wheel chair, I can walk thank you very much. The older ones talk really loud and I tell them I'm not senile but they just laugh. My oldest daughter keeps trying to get me into a home but she doesn't understand that I cant leave this place, too many memories, good and bad but that's what makes a home doesn't it. The bad.

My husband, he wrote me a letter before he passed away. I cried, not because I missed him but because what he said was so true, so touching. I'll be with him soon and we'll be together again, just like we were before.

I've skipped a few chapters now haven't I. I've gone from being at the bus stop to being here, in my house, now. Let's rewind a bit shall we.

I was at the bus stop waiting for the bus. When it finally came the rain started picking. Me being me forgot an umbrella or anything to keep me dry so at the first speck of rain I squealed drawing all the attention. My smooth skin went bright red as every pair of eyes turned my way. I've never had a trouble with spots, not even as a teenager. My skin was always so perfect, that was one of the good things about being me but there's always a downside isn't there? Like I'm the one who's always on my ass or dropping things. I was always so clumsy.

The bus ride didn't take that long and the best bit it dropped me off just across the road from my mothers house, my house, whose ever house it was now. Getting off was a big fuss as I knocked a few people down with my big duffel bag. There were still a few cases in the boot of the bus so the driver had to get off to get them for me. I heard everyone on the bus groaning but I didn't care, I needed myself.

The driver pulled out three wheelie cases. I pulled the handle up on all of them and put my duffel bag on one while holding two of the handles in one hand and one in the other.

I opened the door and was surprised by what I saw. I didn't expect anyone to be there but there they were anyway. Xander and Cordelia. I looked at the four faces, Willow wasn't there.

Xander had his arms around a blond girls waist and a man had his arm on Cordelia's shoulder.

They had moved on.

It was the first thing I realized, they had all moved on. Cordelia had gotten over herself and Xander was dating while I was still stuck in the past, while I was unable to move on because of something that happened four years ago.

"Buffy!" Cordelia exclaimed jumping on me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me several kissed on the cheek. When she was done Xander nodded and smiled at me

"Buffster" He said. I smiled. It had been so long since I had heard that name, so long since I'd seen these two people that stood before me

"Hey guys, where's Willow?" I asked not trying to hide my disappointment that she was there

"Well she said she would see you later so she could announce her engagement to you" The strange blond said. Cordelia jumped on her toe with her six inch heel making the blond squeal

"Anya!" Xander scolded

"What!" The blond roared. I realized then that her name must have been Anya "She just stabbed me with her shoe, are you crazy? You cant just go around impaling people with your heel!"

"It was a surprise!" Cordelia said "You weren't supposed to tell her, Willow wanted to do it"

I stood there unable to move. Yeah, they really had all moven on. Cordelia wasn't dating a football player, well whoever she was with was cute but they were hardly Brad Pitt. Anya was attractive and Xander was dating her. Back in High School Xander couldn't get a date and Willow was getting married.

I really was the only one who was still stuck in the past.

* * *

_A/N: New Fic! How do you like it? You will be meeting other charectors in the next chapter as it has already been written, just needs a bit of tweeking so you wont have to wait too long for that.This chapter is just an explination for the whole fic. I like the next chapter better personally. Thank you all for reading._


	2. my fiancé

Chapter 2

The day went quick and we spent most of it talking about what's been happing since College. When I say we I mostly mean Cordelia and Anya. I didn't have much to say and mostly avoided the occasional question they asked but lucky for me they are very self centered. Cordelia told me about her parents having to sell they're mansion because they 'forgot' to pay their taxes so she didn't get a chance to go to college so instead moved to L.A to become an actress but it didn't work out.

Anya went to U.C Sunnydale and that's where she met Xander. It was love at first sight apparently. I just laughed as she went over how they met; I wasn't really interested so when Anya smiled, I smiled. When she giggled, I giggled.

"Willow wants to meet us at bronze tonight" Xander said. I smiled and nodded but I couldn't help but feel nervous about the meeting. At first I though Oz was her fiancé but then Cordelia went on to tell me what she did when the acting didn't work out. She met up with one of Doyle's friends and together they opened a private investigating firm, the three of them. That's how Willow met him, through her and then they moved back to Sunnydale and had an office on the same street my mother used to have her Gallery.

The Gallery. I hadn't thought about that. What was going to happen to it? I had no interest in running it so I suppose selling was the only option but even though I didn't want to be stuck with a Gallery, I still wanted it to remember Joyce by.

"So Buffy... Aren't you going to tell us about your College flings?" I heard Cordelia ask. Typical Cordelia. I stood on the spot like a right lemon, standing there with my mouth open. Admitting to myself that I was still stuck in the past was one thing but admitting it to other people was entirely different so I did what most people would have and lied through my teeth

"Well there were a couple of guys" I said shyly hoping no one would ask anymore questions although I knew it wasn't enough for them, they couldn't just have a small snack, they needed the whole meal.

"Did they give you multiple orgasms?" Anya asked not even reddening a little. Me, I must have been the same colour as a tomato, seriously. Cordelia giggled and shook her head and Xander was probably the same colour as me

"Anya, you can't just ask someone you've just met that" He told her. She frowned

"Why not?!"

"No, it's fine really" I interrupted feeling bad that they were arguing because of what she said about me

"Well..." Cordelia pressed fishing for gossip. Why couldn't I just tell them the truth? Then I wouldn't be in this convocation. I could be so stupid sometimes

"There's nothing really to tell" I admitted honestly. First honest thing I said, I think. Anya looked at me, her eyes wide. I could tell she didn't believe me although I wasn't sure if it was my college flings she didn't believe me about or the fact that there was nothing to tell

"O...k" There was a sudden awkward silence as Cordelia stopped talking. No one knew what to say since we had already spoken about what happened after High school. I could tell they wanted to speak about my mother, ask me if I was alright but none of them could. I supposed that Anya could have, if she took a second to think about other things other than sex and money. I found out later in life that those were the two things she loved most about life. I did wonder a few times why she was with Xander but then again I hadn't slept with him so I didn't know what he was like in the sheets but I did know his building job didn't bring much in

"What you wearing tonight Cor?" Anya turned to Cordelia. Cor, it was a new nickname. We used to call her Cordy for short but I guess that was long for a nickname. I stood in my living room feeling out of place even though it was my house. This wasn't my town anymore, these people weren't my friends. They looked like them, sounded like them but they weren't the same people that they were back in High School.

"I've got a killer black dress and a thick silver belt with black shoes. What about you Buffy? What are you wearing to meet Willow's fiancé, bare in mind he is Willow's fiancé. If he wasn't I would definitely set him up with you though Buffy, he is just salty goodness all over"

Ok, maybe they hadn't changed so much after all. As Cordelia spoke Doyle frowned, poor guy. Must be hard to hear your girlfriend talk like that about another man. I laughed nervously at her comment, well what else could I do?

"This silver satin bow dress I think" I didn't even need to think about it. It was my best dress. Sure, I had worn it a lot of places but no one in Sunnydale saw me in the dress so to them, it was bran new.

"Who you planning on impressing?" Xander asked. I looked at him, I was a bit confused. For all he knew the dress could have been the ugliest thing ever. I must have had a grin on my face when I tried to describe it although I didn't do a good job, it's too nice to describe. I just hoped it wasn't too much for the Bronze

"I just want to look good for my first night back in Sunnydale" I smiled. I wished I could have been somewhere else, anywhere else. Everything was so forced, like it was an effort to speak. I know I didn't want to say anything and the rest of them were struggling to fill the awkward silences that briefly occurred.

That's how that day went. Awkward silences until it was finally time to get ready for the Bronze. Xander and Anya went back to they're apartment, so did Doyle but Cordelia had already brought her dress over so she could get ready with me. It wasn't that bad. There was plenty to say like "pass the mascara" or "Have you finished with the straightners"

Dawn was staying at Amy's place, one of Willow's friends. She was in Sunnydale High, I didn't really know her but I knew of her but it would have been nice to hear it from Willow instead of Cordelia.

It took me nearly three hours to get ready. I had to shower, cry my hair, curl it, put make up on and get dressed but I enjoyed it, it had been so long since I had dressed up for anything. My hair was all in loose curls and my fringe swept across my forehead. That was one thing I did miss about New York, my hairdresser. He always knew what to do to my hair, the exact thing I wanted.

We got a cab to the Bronze, Cordelia and I went half on the fee. It was weird, going to the bronze and being legal to drink. I had already made up my mind that I was going to get absolutely legless, that someone would have to carry me home and I wouldn't care. Maybe I would even find some random and take him home with me and the next day I would kick him out because it didn't mean nothing. Deep down I knew I wouldn't do that but I would get drunk and maybe make a fool of myself

The yellow car stopped just at the end of the long alley way that led to the only club in the small town. Nothing had changed since I had last been there. Nothing. The thick metal door was still like a prison cell door, the alley way still had dumpsters filling it and there were the High school people flashing they're fake ID's too the bouncer. I was about to smile but Cordelia didn't give me a chance as she grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the cell doors. I tried to keep up with her but my high heels were slowing me down. Cordelia had obviously mastered walking in the long metal stuck to the bottom of her shoe; well unlike me she actually had a social life.

The large black bouncer in the black pants and black woolen top smiled as I flashed him my ID then he stepped aside letting me through too the rave inside.

Everything was the same, even the layout and the stage. A drum kit stood right at the back with a guitar on the left and another one on the right. I was never good at music or anything but I guessed the other guitar might have been a base or something.

Xander, Anya, Doyle and Willow sat in the far corner giggling. I guessed they were laughing at Xander since he was the one moving his head around. I couldn't see what he was doing because his back was to me. I walked over to them and they stopped. I felt like I was intruding, like I was a stranger among my own friends, like Anya and Doyle had taken my place.

"Buffy!" Willow exclaimed.

I did the same thing I did when I found Cordelia and Xander waiting for me in my house. I smiled.

"Hey"

She got up and wrapped her arms around me. I did the only thing I could and returned the hug

"Look at you, you look amazing, your hair!" Willow said after she pulled away. Again I smiled a shy smile. No one had ever given me compliments, probably because no one really saw me much.

"Me? Look at you. You're hair" The last time I saw Willow her hair was just above her hips and now it was a few inches below her shoulders. The color hadn't changed; it was still a nice shade of orange. Willow didn't even redden as I commented on her change, she must have been used to the compliments, lucky her.

As I looked around the table I knew that someone was missing even though I didn't know who. Willow's fiancé. Whoever he was he wasn't here.

"He is here, somewhere" Willow said. She must have seen the wonder in my face as I tried to pick him out from the many people in the club. I was looking for someone who was like Oz; I was in no way expecting it to be who it was. Not for one minuet.

"I'm just going to get a drink" I told the table and headed off to the bar ready for my first of many drinks. I didn't really drink often so I knew it wouldn't take me much to get intoxicated

I reached the bar and sat myself down on the stool; I decided I wasn't going to go back to the table until I at least had some amount of alcohol in my blood steam.

"I'll have a..." I thought for a minuet, scanning all the bottles on the shelf. I really didn't have a lot of experience with alcohol so I didn't know what to choose "Just get me something that will get me extremely drunk"

The bartender grinned at me. He must have had a lot of women telling him that because he knew just the thing. Pulling several leavers and pouring liquid after liquid in such a small glass he finally places the glass in front of me. I starred at it. It was blood red; I wasn't going to ask what was in it because if I knew I probably wouldn't want to drink it. I lifted it up to my lips but before taking a sip I sniffed it. Big mistake. I heaved at the strong smell

"Hold you're nose and chuck it down your throat" I heard I deep voice say with a hint of laughter. Turning around I saw the most gorgeous man I have ever seen in my life.

"Eh?"

"Look" He said taking my glass away from me and he opened his mouth up and tipped it into his mouth, not even tasting it but letting it go straight down his throat. "Another one of them please" He said to the bartender "You try" He said when another drink came

I took it and imitated him but I knew my face was tightening due to the sour taste of the red drink. It was horrible but thankfully the taste didn't last long as I had a lemon waiting for me on the bar

"Where you from?" he asked me. I looked at his face properly for the first time and couldn't help but stare into his intense dark eyes. They were a dark brown colour, the darkest brown I had ever seen but far from black. His skin was perfect, not one blemish anywhere and his lips, well I had to stop starring then because all I wanted to do was jump him and that was very out of character for me. I never thought that way.

"Here...New York...Here" I was hypnotized, unable to think properly

"Um... Ok" he laughed slightly, probably laughing at the fact that I sounded like a challenged person

Finally getting myself together I started to make sense

"What I mean is I used to live here then I moved to New York for college and now I'm back here"

"New York ey, big change coming from the big city to little 'ol Sunnydale. What brings you back?"

"My mother, she just passed" I said quietly. I had completely forgotten about her, I had forgotten about my dead mother! I was seriously going to hell

"Oh I'm sorry" He said sincerely. I smiled a real smile for the first time since High School.

"It's ok, everything happens for a reason"

"You believe that?" He asked

"Yeah, I do" I told him. We spent god knows how long talking, drinking. I lost track of time so when I saw Willow come over I thought it was to tell me off but instead she went over to him and wrapped her arm around his waist.

"Hey baby" Willow said to him. He smiled a fake smile at her. I knew it was fake because I had used that smile so many times "I see you've already met Buffy" She then turned to me "Buffy, this is Angel, my fiancée"


	3. Random men arent always so random

Chapter 3

I stood still, like time had stopped. I was completely frozen, paralyzed from head to toe. Angel had the same look on his face as I did. Disgust. I had just been flirting with my best friend's fiancé. I was such a bad person. First off I forgot about my mother's death and now I was flirting with my best friend's fiancé. Oh god. If only I asked him for his name, no that wouldn't have made a difference because no one told me what his name was and I didn't tell him my name so he couldn't have possibly known. I was flirting with him and I didn't even know his name, what a slut.

After I was done arguing with myself I finally spoke

"Oh" ...Yeah nice one Buffy. I grabbed the drink that I ordered just before Willow dropped her bomb and did exactly what Angel had taught me before ordering another one

"We just going to stand here all night?" Willow said looking from me to Angel for some kind of answer

"I think we should go back to our place, have a few drinks there and get a take away" Angel said not taking his eyes off me. It was a little freaky at first to tell the truth especially since Willow was right there

"That's a lovely idea" Willow smiled. I didn't. I didn't think it was a lovely idea at all. I wanted to stay here and get off my trolley but no... Some knob had other idea's. A very sexy Knob but a knob nether the less "I'll get the guy's together, you go call a cab"

We both watched as Willow walked away and then Angel gripped my upper arm. His deep dark eyes turned hard and cold

"What the hell are you playing at?" He roared. I was shocked. What was I playing at? I could ask him the same question!

"Me? I'm not playing at anything. What about you? You have a fiancé and you were flirting with me!" Although I was annoyed that he was practically shouting at me it was kind of a turn on, he was fine when he was mad.

"Yeah your supposedly best friends and you were hardly turning the other way"

"I didn't know who you were! For all I knew you could have been a single guy" I argued back

"Or I could have been a serial killer"

Hmmm... He had a good point. Next time I decided to flirt with a random guy at a club I'll have to ask him some intense questions

I was about to say something really smart, really clever that would make him shut right up but the gang was now surrounding us

"Have you called the cab yet?" Willow asked

"Ill go do it now" Angel said still looking at me as he backed away. Willow was beaming, like I didn't know why. If I was about to marry someone as hot as that I would bet too. No. Bad Buffy. Can't have thoughts like that

"Faith rung me" Anya spoke "She asked me where we were. I told her at the bronze but we're going to yours so she said she'll meet us there with the others"

"Others?" I asked

"Our groups expanded a bit from high school" Willow chuckled at my confusion. Bitch. God what is wrong with me. She's my best friends, pull yourself together Summers.

Faith was MY friends. After I went off to college I didn't really think that Willow Xander and Cordelia would keep in contact with her, obviously they did.

Doyle didn't say much I noticed. He spoke in a strong Irish accent, I think. Was never really good at geography so that's all I knew was that he was from somewhere in Europe, guessing Ireland.

Angel returned tucking his cell phone into his jean pocket that hugged him in all the right places.

"Should be about twenty minuets" He said. Willow only smiled at him and leaned into his chest. Angel put an arm around her waist and kissed the top of her head

Twenty minuets later and the cab arrived. We all squeezed into it. I accidentally stabbed Anya in the gut with my heel as I climbed into the backseat on my knees. She yelped and I swear if it wasn't for Xander she would have ripped my heel from my shoe and stabbed me in the eye with it.

Angel sat in the front seat next to the driver and gave him the address. I was pretty sure why he was sitting there but didn't say anything. Willow kept going on and on about how her wedding was going to be. They had already set a date, it was six months away and they booked the church. The honeymoon was going to be in Barbados in a luxury hotel, alright for some isn't it

I nodded as she told me the color scheme and laughed as she told me about when they're parents had all met for dinner and they were arguing over little stuff but I really had no interest it any of it

I noticed that Angel didn't say anything either and wondered how the two of them ended up getting engaged

"It was so romantic" Willow said. Great, I was about to hear the story. Why couldn't she just see that I really didn't give a toss "We were in LA and he took me for a meal at this lovely restaurant, then we went for a ride in the car and he stopped at the docks. It was all lit up with fairy lights and he took me on this stunning yacht. It was pitch black, only the lights from the boat lighting up the black sky, oh and the stars, they looked so beautiful that night. Then all of a sudden there was this loud bang. I looked up and there was a load of fire works every color you can think of. When I looked back at Angel he was on his knees with a small ring box in his hand. He took my hand and kissed the back of it and said "Willow Rosenberg, I love you so much" and then he asked me to marry him"

I wanted to chuck. My stomach was flipping with jealousy to the extreme that I wanted to be sick. I'd only met this man like an hour ago and he was turning me into a bunny boiler. Bastard.

"That's great Will" I managed to say through my burning envy. Yeah bloody brilliant.

I sat in silence twiddling my fingers as the rest of them spoke. Cordelia was going over this case they had. I thought they weren't aloud to talk about cases? That it was all confidential?

Anya only had two words in her vocabulary. Sex and money. I felt sorry for Xander, having to hear her nag all the time

"Will you buy me this? Will you buy me that? When are we going to have sex, I'm frustrated" I heard her say. Her voice was so irritating that's all I could do was try to block it out

"What do you say Buffy?"

"Huh?" I looked away from the window as I heard my name being called. It was Willow who was looking at me with a large smile on her red lips

"Will you be my maid of honor Buffy?" Willow asked with the same smug smile. Yeah, I get it she was getting married... Wait, hold on. Did she just ask me...? I nodded like a lemon; it was all I could do. I was still in shock. "Great"

I could see Angel stiffen in the passenger seat. It was like someone had stabbed him in his stomach. I could tell he wasn't keen on having me as a maid of honor which made me slightly pissed, I mean I would make a great maid of honor.

The drive back to Willow's seemed like ages, especially since I didn't know where she lived. The cab stopped in front of a fairly large house. The porch was all made of glass and you could see the second white front door through the glass. The mail box was painted the same pale blue as the bricks and a black 1967 Plymouth GTX stood still in the drive way. You could tell a lot about a man by the car he drives. Although I haven't mastered that skill, Faith told me once that a man with a really manly car was insecure, I don't really know how it works but there we are.

Anya opened the door and we all poured out of the cab. Angel was the last one out and he waved the cab driver goodbye. There was about five white stone steps to the glass porch. The glass porch door was already unlocked but the other front door wasn't so we had to wait for Angel to move his ass with the keys since Willow didn't even have a bag with her. Must be nice not having to pay for anything, I wouldn't know see.

We all pilled into the house, I followed the rest of the gang into the living area and sat myself down on a cream corner twelve seat sofa. Everything was light, the carpet was a warm lemon, so was the wall paint. Xander sat on the two seat sofa while Anya sat in between his legs on the floor. Willow came into the room carrying a tray full of glasses, all different sized. There was a pile of shot glasses everyone inside another, several long normal glassed and a few wine glassed. Angel then was carrying a lot of drink, a lot. He had two bottles of two litre vodka, a bottle of gin, two bottles of wine, juices and he went out to get more. This was going to be some party.

We were all in the living room now drinking heavily when the doorbell went. Angel went to answer it. I heard him speak and then I heard the famous words of five by five and instantly who it was.

"Faith!" I shrieked while getting up from my little corner on the sofa and ran towards her. I jumped on her wrapping my legs around her waist

"Why don't I get this kind of greeting from the rest of you guys?" Faith joked. I smiled as I released myself "Hey B, nice to see you."

I knew Faith was being cold because I didn't keep in contact but I also knew she would warm to me again. Out of everyone in the whole group, Faith was the one I felt comfortable with, the one that I thought hadn't changed. Faith was always real.

There was more people to come though. I went back to my seat and saw a good looking man with a shiny black head. He was bald. A girl with long brown hair down to get back, a tall English man with brown hair and glasses who was in my High School and a bleached blond man with piercing blue eyes

Willow stood up and smiled

"Buffy" She said "This is Charles Gunn, Gunn" She pointed at the good looking man with a shiny head then at the girl with brown hair "Winifred Burkle"

"Please, Fred" Winifred said with a slight Texan accent. She was so sweet, seemed so innocent, bless.

"You already know Wesley"

"Yeah" I nodded

"And this is..."

"Spike" The bleached blond interrupted with a cheeky grin "Alright love?" He winked. I blushed slightly but inside it felt great, I had been flirted with twice that night and I was loving it.

"Hey, she's my tonight" Faith pushed Spike out of the way and jumped into the seat next to me where she snuggled up against me "You going to make me a drink or what Angie?

Angel looked up at her from the other side of the curved sofa "You got arms haven't you?"

"I'm a guessed"

Angel sighed then lifted the bottle from the floor and put a glass on the small table in front of him

"You know how I like it" Faith grinned.

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_A/N: Update, yay. Your reviews are awsome, got to say. I'm glad you like this fic, when I first wrote it I wasnt sure where it was going to go, I still dont know but I sort of have an idea. This is a Buffy and Angel fic, come on do I write anything else. I know the time thing is a bit conffusing, I get conffused and I write it._


	4. Never have I ever

Chapter 4

We had been drinking for a while when we decided to play 'I have never' actually when Faith forced us all to play 'I have never' It was a quite a laugh actually, I found somethings out about certain people that I wished I hadn't but it was still a laugh.

"Oh my god!" Faith exclaimed after her fifth drink of straight vodka "We should so play I have never!"

I looked at her like she was mad "Uh... What's that?"

She looked at me the same way I looked at her "What? You don't know what I have never is? Where have you been living B? Are you serious? You were in college in New York and you never played that game?"

I shrugged casually while Faith continued to gape at me. I did say I didn't get out much.

"That is... You can not go to a party without playing that game, there's got to be some sort of law against it" Changing her tone she climbed off the sofa and onto the floor "Right everyone in a circle on the floor. NOW!"

We all did as we were told, mostly because we were scared of her, especially after she had a few, she could be a right psycho sometimes

"Right what you have to do is say that you've never done something right. If someone says something that you've done then you have to down your drink so everyone fill up and you can start B"

I nodded and tried to think of something I've never done. "I've never... um... Oh, I know. I've never skipped a class"

Faith looked at me with her mouth open again. I didn't know why. I did it right didn't I? Angel sniggered at me and I shot him an annoyed look. Everyone except for me and Faith downed they're drink, Faith was too busy starring at me

"Just for that you have to down your drink" She finally said

"What? But I never have" I insisted

"I've never skipped a class... Come on that is shit! Now drink up"

I looked around the circle and saw that they were all chuckling silently. I looked at my drink and brought to my lips, throwing it to the back of my throat like I had done so many times that evening

"Now watch and learn" The way Faith spoke kind of scared me, I could already see where this game was going "I have never gone a week without sex"

I groaned and picked up by drink that I had only just refilled. Faith was smiling at me as if to say drink up. Cordelia, Doyle, Fred, Wesley and Gunn all drank

"Hang on one minuet since when?" Willow asked and Angel smirked giving her a wink

"Since you first had it, so drink up Red"

Willow looked at her drink like it was poison but did what she had to. After she was done she slammed the drink down on the floor and made a sour face like I did earlier

"How did you know she hasn't?" Angel asked Faith

"Oz never had the stamina you have Angel besides she asked so obvious she hadn't"

Willow said nothing but she gave Faith a dirty look and something clicked inside of me. How did Faith know what kind of stamina Angel had unless she...No! She couldn't have. Well on the other hand it was Faith... Gunn's deep voice brought me out of my small trance

"I have never had sex with a guy"

"You're boring!" Faith slurred taking her drink and throwing it down her throat; I followed her lead, then Fred, then Willow, then Cordelia, then Anya and finally Spike. We all giggled but I was the only surprised one

It was Spike's turn now and I could already tell he was going to say something really crude; it was the glint in his eye that was giving him away

"Never have I left someone unsatisfied" Spike smiled as he looked around "...Come on people, be honest here" He said when no one picked up a glass. Anya picked up her glass and gave it to Xander

"There was that time..."

Everyone laughed as Xander went a bright shade of red but he drank the drink

"I have never gone online dating" Cordelia said. We all turned to look at her with raised brows "What... I haven't"

Fred swigged her glass quickly, hoping that no one would notice but I did and so did Anya who laughed hysterically

"Online dating? Come on, you can do better then that"

"You can meet some really nice people on there" Fred argued

"Yeah or child molesters and weirdoes" Gunn added

"Anyway" Faith said loudly moving back to the game she probably wanted to see what Anya had never, I know I did

"I have never...Erm... What have I never done? Www I know! I have never used any sex toys"

The first one to drink was Angel, then Faith. Big surprise there. The last one to drink was Spike who still had the cheeky grin on his face, Angel had half a smirk which was so adorable

Willow looked at Angel with wide eyes. She obviously didn't know this. I couldn't tell if it was fear in her eyes or arousal

"Never have I ever taken any type of drug" Xander stated. Again Faith, Angel and Spike drank, so did Gunn and Fred which surprised me. Fred seemed like such a lovely girl. It was Angel's turn now and I was more then curious to know what he'd never done

"I have never seen my grandmother naked and turned the other way then looked at her again" He grinned then turned to Spike "Drink up William"

We all giggled, every single one of us

"That's sick man" Gunn said

"Err, did you really do that Spike?" Doyle asked. Spike shrugged

"I was in shock!"

We all erupted in giggled again and I could see why Faith wanted to play this game

"I have never been used" Willow announced. I could feel her gaze on me and knew she would never have said that and laughed about it if she wasn't drunk. No one drunk, I was the only one. Slowly I picked up my glass and threw it down my throat bitterly. I could hear the ohh bless sounds coming from the circle. They all felt sorry for me but I didn't need they're sympathy

I looked at Angel, he was studying my face closely so I looked away, no one saw the hurt in face, but he must have because he had his head tilted and his lips parted a little just studying me

"I've never had a one night stand" Doyle said. Yet again Faith, Spike and Angel took a gulp from their glass

"This is no fun. Is there anything you guys haven't done?" Anya whined

"I've never perved on my Nana" Faith giggled looking at Spike

"I didn't perv on her!" Spike argued

"Ok William" Angel winked a false believing face. I giggled again making him look at me with a crooked smile that made my knees weak.

"I think I'm going to head off to bed" Willow announced as she got up from the floor gripping the sofa for support. She looked back at Angel before leaving the room "Are you going to stay down here or come to bed?"

"I'll be up later" He didn't even look at her. His eyes were on the glass of vodka in his hand as he tilted in to the right then swirled it around, watching the burning liquid swish in the glass. Willow just sighed loudly making sure that we all knew that she wanted him to follow her before I heard her footsteps on the steps

"The misses is pissed with you" Gunn stated. Angel just ignored him and continued swirling his drink around before finally consuming it. Fred swiped Gunn's arm

"Stop stirring!" She scolded.

I giggled, I don't know why. Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was the fact that the group in the circle were all the kind of friends I wished I had. They were all so comfortable with each other and then it was me. The quite one in the corner who had never gotten drunk before, who wanted to jump her best friend's fiancé, who didn't think about her dead mother. I could go on, there was so much wrong with me, I was such a bad person even though I didn't do a lot of bad things. I knew right from wrong, I always did the right thing and I was tired of it. I wanted to be a rebel for a change.

"How was life in the big city then?" Faith asked. I snapped out of my thoughts when I realised she was talking to me. Life in the big city, yeah, it was a big city, a huge city but life in it was nothing special.

"It was great" I lied

"Don't tell us too much" Cordelia joked still sitting on the floor and leaning on the sofa. I crawled back into my corner on my hands and knees, I don't think I was able to get up without making a fool of myself but on the other hand I don't think anyone else would have been able to remember anyway

"I've always wanted to go to New York" Fred announced randomly looking at the ceiling with dreamy eyes.

"I've always wanted to go to Fiji" Cordelia said "Beach, Sea, pool. Doing nothing but tanning for a whole week while being waited on hand and foot ooh paradise. Does it rain in Fiji?"

"They have tropical storms, I think" Doyle informed her

"Yeah, they do" Angel confirmed

"How would you know?" Anya asked. I sat still wondering how the conversation had moved to what weather they have in Fiji

"Been there" Angel said as if it was obvious. Too me it was, I mean come on, how else would he know? Well he could have read it in a book somewhere. Why do I always have arguments with myself?

It was getting late now and I was getting tired, I usually was in bed by half ten. I got up trying to steady myself and blinked three times trying to get the room to sit still and stop spinning.

"I think I'm going to go" I managed to mumble. It all sounded good in my head but when I said it, it didn't sound so good. I held onto the wall as I made my way to the door and I could hear Faith laughing, probably at the state I was in. Someone wrapped they're arm around waist and then the other on my shoulder; it turned out to be Angel. I pushed him away and he hit his head on the door frame which earned more chuckled from Faith who lounging on the floor in hysterics

"You can't even walk" He told me as if I didn't know. Of course I knew but I didn't need his help, well I did but I didn't want it. We both stood at the bottom of the stairs for a while, I can't remember how long but he was there with his arm around me trying to keep me up. I could tell he was drunk too but not as drunk as me, no one was as drunk as me.

"We're all going now. We're going to share a cab back" Wesley said passing everyone they're coat from the bottom of the banister. Angel nodded. As they left I tried to go with them only to get pulled back by Angel. The front door slammed and it was only us. Willow had gone to bed hours ago.

"You can stay here tonight" He said coldly "Willow wouldn't want you to go home in the state you're in"

"I'm... not ina sta..t...te" I frowned and pushed his hands away. Now that I didn't have his support I leaned against the stairs, my hands playing with the wooden panels

"Yes you are" He tried to grab my hand again but I pushed him against the opposite wall. His hand was still on my arm so when I pushed him he grabbed me with him. He was now leaning against the wall and my body was almost touch his. I could feel his breath on my neck, his heavy breathing filled the hallway. I did the only thing I could in my drunken state and leaned towards him, lifting my self on my toes.

TBC...

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_A/N: Haaa I really wasn't expecting that many reviews but I'm not complaining. I was actually really chuffed. I've already written the next two chapters so an update shouldn't be long_. _Thank you so much for you're reviews its what motivates me to write so once again thank you all_


	5. I’m definitely going to hell

Chapter 5

My mouth covered his in a passionate battle for control. His big hands gripped my waist tighter as if he was holding on for life, I didn't mind. I had never been held with such urgency before. It felt nice, like I belonged there in his arms. I was really getting into the moment when I was pushed away

I looked up at him with my drunken green eyes from the floor. The force of his hands and blurriness of my vision caused me to end up on my ass. He didn't say anything, just looked at me like I had come back from the dead. I wasn't sure what he was feeling; his eyes were a mix of emotions that I couldn't read. The only thing I knew for sure is that I was definitely going to hell. I probably had my own fire pit waiting for me.

"I...You..." He stuttered "It's late, go to bed" Angel pulled me up by my arm but I didn't move I didn't make a sound only looked at him"Look" He said "I'm getting married to your best friends, we've only just met... This is all fucked up"

He was telling me. I knew all this, I knew it was wrong but somehow I just didn't care. I wanted him more then I've ever wanted anything and I knew the moment Willow wrapped her arms around him that even she won't be able to get in the way

"This shouldn't be happening, it cant happen" Angel was talking to himself more then me, even if he was talking to me I wouldn't have been listening. I was looking at him, reading his lips but none of what he was saying was registering, he knew that too because he shut up to tell me that it was wrong with his eyes. They tightened the dark brown color of them darkened even more but still they weren't black. His lips parted a little and he did this really cute thing where he wrinkled his forehead

I tried to listening to what his eyes were telling me but I just didn't care. All my life I did the right thing, the boring thing. I deserved to be happy didn't I? After all I'd been through I should have a chance at happiness

His hand was still holding my upper arm but neither of us noticed, I didn't notice the red finger marks that were beginning to appear. Yet again I was hypnotized. If he asked me to jump out of a window at that moment I probably would have. Angel let go of me and shrugged, then without another word he walked up the stairs, putting his hand through his brown hair that was standing up.

"Goodnight" I whispered. I don't think he heard, if he did he didn't say anything. I heard the door slam and I sighed before going back into the living room where all the drink was. The red whine just had my name on it, I had to have it just to numb all of my feelings. For four years I'd gotten through life hardly feeling everything. It was as if my feelings were paralyzed, I didn't mind. I rather it like that because there was no confusion. Now, I wanted to stab my best friend while she slept, jump on her fiancé and steal her life. What a good friend I was.

I used the bottle opener to get the cork out. I pulled and pulled but it still wouldn't come until finally it bounced on the four sides of the walls, hit the ceiling and fell on the sofa.

"Welcome home Buffy" I toasted to myself, sad I know but there was no one else here. My mother had just died, I mean she just died and no one said anything. Her funeral was in two days and my little sister was staying with someone I hardly knew. I was a great friends compared to them, yeah they were the bad friends.

I brought the red wine to my lips, it was sweet, not bitter like everything else I had drunk that night, it was much nicer. That was my last though of the night. The thought of red wine.

I woke the next morning to someone opening the blinds and leaving the blinding light through.

"Urgh, its too early" I groaned not even bothering to open my eyes. I heard a chuckle

"Its twelve o clock" Willow said. I opened my eyes and tried to sit up but the minuet I moved I felt like someone had jumped on my stomach. It felt so empty but everything I was looking at was making me heave. It was horrible.

Willow came back into the room with the silver hoover and I frowned.

"Well you shouldn't have drunk so much" She said plugging it in to the socket behind the sofa

"I didn't" I lied. Willow looked at me with her eye brow raised before chuckling and switching the hoover on. The loud annoying sound make me grab one of the fury square pillows that were on the cream sofa and cover my ears with it.

Fifteen minuets of listening to Willow Hoover every single spot on the carpet and she finally turned the hoover off and smiled showing off her pearl teeth, bitch.

"What time did Angel go to bed?" She asked. The mention of Angel's name sent my body into life. I was now sitting up right and listening like I've never listened before

"I.. I ... uh... I don't know" I shrugged trying not to sound suspicious but I bet I did. Every time I tried not to do something I ended up doing something "Why?"

"Oh no reason really. I just didn't hear him come in and I thought it must have been late"

"Yeah probably, where is he?"

"He went to work" Willow slumped down on the sofa next to me "So that leaves me and you, what do you want to do?"

"Well I was going to go over the funeral arrangements for tomorrow, if I can stomach getting up" I said. Willow went silent. People do that don't they? When they have nothing else to say or when they don't want to upset you. They just don't say anything. I think it's quite rude personally but there we go, that's just me

"Would you like any help?" Willow asked after a long silence. Yeah, I would have loved helped but she was only asking to be polite, I knew she didn't really want to be burdened with funeral arrangements.

"No, you have a wedding to concentrate on" I told her trying to hide the bitterness in my voice. I think I did a good job; I must have because she didn't say anything

"Buffy" Willow put one of her hands on my shoulder. I felt like pushing it off or slapping her in the face. She wasn't bothered about how I felt yesterday, when her fiancé was wrapped around her and now that he was in work she was all Miss heart again, what a load of shit. "If you need anything, I'm here. You know we all thought of Joyce as a mother"

I had to bite my tongue from saying something that I certainly would regret but listening to her go on and on about my mother like she was related to her was sickening. I should have been the one standing there, telling her what a good person Joyce was not the other way round.

"Thanks Will" I managed to say after she'd finished babbling on.

"Your my best friend Buffy, you know that right and I'll be here for you no matter what, no matter what's happening in my life I want you to know that you can come to me"

Great, way to make me feel even more shitty about myself.

Dawn came by that day as well. We spoke but not like sisters, we spoke like two strangers. We didn't speak about Mum but I could tell she hardly had any sleep, her eyes were blood red and her pupils were enormous. I still have to see the social worker to find out what's going to happen with her, if they'll let me take her.

After an hour of awkwardness she left, I didn't know where she'd gone but she did leave. I was still in Willow's making last minuet arrangements while Willow was going on about her wedding.

"I'm going to get the dresses on the weekend so you'll have to come to L.A with me. Well were all going up but the guys are going to try tux's on while we get the dresses. I want you to be in all red and then the other girls in red and white"

How insensitive. I'm making arrangements for my mother's funeral and she's talking about her wedding. Never mind, forget I even said I felt shitty because I take it back. I feel great.

"I told Angel that he has to have a red tie otherwise I'm not marrying him" She giggled. I don't know why, it wasn't funny. "Buffy, have I said something to upset you?"

Yes.

"No", why do you think that?" I looked at her with a sweet, innocent smile

"Oh just ignore me, I'm being paranoid"

Again a smiled sweetly

I could hear a key in the lock turning, then the front door opened, then the voice that soothed my mind

"I'm home" Angel called. I could hear him come nearer and nearer until he appeared in the doorway. I looked at him with my elbows on the table and smiled. He looked down on me, his soulful eyes full of wonder

"Hey baby" Willow ran up to him and gave him a quick but gentle kiss on the lips which I could see took him by surprise "How was work?"

"It was... yeah it was good. What's Buffy still doing here"

I looked at him and frowned. He was speaking about me like I wasn't even there, cheeky fuck. Willow took his hand and pulled him out of the room. Probably so I wouldn't hear what she was about to say but it was pointless, they were talking right by the door, of course I could hear them.

"Her mother's just died Angel. I can't leave her go to that house on her own, it must be horrible for her. Look at her trying to keep it all together, it's just an act. I know her better then that. She's crumbling inside."

I was actually chuckling inside. Not at the fact that my mother was dead, no. I'm not some sick psychopath but at what Willow was saying.

"Ok" Was all Angel response. He could have said more then that, god.

"Are you ok with it?" Willow asked. Ha! She was insecure, I could tell. Good job I majored in Psychology

"Yeah, I'm fine with it"

"Are you sure? We can have some alone time later if you want"

"No, I'm fine. I'm just going to run a bath"

Bath... What I would have done to jump in that bath with him.

Bad Buffy. Bad.

Willow came back into the room alone to sit at the table with me. I looked curiously at her. She made a face like she was itching to tell me but wanted me to ask first. Now I could have dealt with this two ways. Not ask because I seriously couldn't give a shit what it was or I could have been a good friend and asked.

I decided to be a good friend

"What's up Will?"

"It's Angel. He can be so perfect at times but other time he's so distant. Sometimes I think he's having second thoughts but then I tell myself if he was then he would tell me because he's the type to tell you"

"Maybe he's scared that he'll hurt you" I suggested but all I got was a frown for my efforts

"Not helping Buffy. Your supposed to say "Don't be so stupid he loves you""

"Don't be so stupid he loves you" I said in a bored tone but I wasn't bored. I was exited. Willow just gave me the information I needed to pursue my quest in getting Angel and I was going to succeed.

I was a woman on a mission.

* * *

_A/N: Heeeh I'm glad you all like my fic it is going to be quite a long one, do I write anything short? My updates probably will get slower because new fic I'm full of ideas but you watch when I get to chapter ten then I wont have a clue but I hope that wont be the case. How old are they? Ermmm well I said they were just out of college didnt I? So about 24 and a half, I'll give you something more exact in one of the chapters to come. If you read any of my other fics sorry for the late update but I did just update L.A gangster, well not just but yesterday and High school life well I'm having a bit of trouble with that fic but as soon as I get creative again I will start writing. I've already written the next chapter just need to look over it and all that. Thank you for the reviews, keep them coming._


	6. Voice within

Chapter 6

The night went slowly. I didn't sleep. I couldn't. I felt so bad.

People say that we deal with grief in our own way. Some people lock themselves up and cry, others go on smiling but what about the ones that don't feel grief? No one says anything about them, about me. Everyone is going to expect me to break down and cry and the graveyard, I want to, believe me I do.

I'm home now, in my own house. I don't know where Dawn is, she blames me for Mums death, can't say I blame her to be honest. Where was I when she was having scans and when she had that surgery? Half way across the country, that's where

Oh, it's all just fucked up.

Getting up from bed was like dying. You don't want do but you have to. I managed to tare the covers off me and after I did that it was easy. Opening the blinds was the worst. The moment I pulled on the string rain slammed against the double glazing windows. Great stuff.

I got into the shower, and then got dressed. I wore my purple dress with black tights and purple shoes. I had never been to a funeral before and I told myself if I ever did that I wouldn't wear black. It was so depressing.

When the car came Dawn and I got in. We didn't say a word to each other. She didn't even look at me. I didn't mind though, I didn't feel like talking either but it was the fact she didn't give one glance my way that upset me. The car was like a normal funeral car. The flowers spelt out mum in red and white somethings. I'm not the gardening types so I don't know what flowers they were but they looked nice.

What is a funeral? Yeah I know it's a load of people standing around at grave yard in black clothes, well in my case purple but what's the point of them? Everyone just gets upset so its better not to have one.

We got to the church and everyone was there waiting for us. I got out of the car and scanned each face. Only one was missing. There was mums book club friends, the workers at the gallery even people who had only seen her a few times but none of those people were my dad. You'd think he would come to his ex wife's funeral wouldn't you? I mean he was married to the woman.

There was only one hole in the whole cemetery, it was my mother's. In about half an hour they were going to put her in that hole and bury her there. Seeing the hole there I suddenly have a million questions. What's the point in life if we all just get buried in a hole at the end of it? I realize that nothing we do matters, if we do something good then the next generation will come and fuck it up and if we do something bad then they will fix it. We only matter to the here and now and I think that's enough for me, I hope that's enough.

It's hard to except your irrelevant and I did it in only a few seconds but I guess I've always been irrelevant.

The man in the white robe stood ready to greet me and Dawn.

"I'm sorry for your lose" He said. He didn't know her! How could he be sorry! It wasn't his mother in that box. I was so angry at that moment that I didn't even realize it was the first emotion of grief that I felt since her death. I was feeling. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream. My mother was locked away in a wooden fucking box and they were going to put her in a hole and forget about her.

Xander, Doyle, Wesley, Angel, Spike and Gunn carried the coffin on they're shoulders. Dawn must have asked them to because I didn't even think of that. The coffin was dark brown and had a nice shine to it; I could see why they picked it.

I don't know what happened next but I was standing around the hole and my mother was hovering above the hole in the ground inside her box. Music started to play and as I listened to the lyrics I felt a warm tear run down my cheek

_Young girl, don't cry  
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall  
Young girl, it's all right  
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly_

_When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream  
Of a place where nothings harder than it seems  
No one ever wants or bothers to explain  
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means_

_When there's no one else  
Look inside yourself  
Like your oldest friend  
Just trust the voice within  
Then you'll find the strength  
That will guide your way  
If you will learn to begin  
To trust the voice within_

_Young girl, don't hide  
You'll never change if you just run away  
Young girl, just hold tight  
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day_

_Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed  
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid  
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold  
When you're lost outside look inside to your soul_

_When there's no one else  
Look inside yourself  
Like your oldest friend  
Just trust the voice within  
Then you'll find the strength  
That will guide your way  
If you will learn to begin  
To trust the voice within_

_Yeah...  
Life is a journey  
It can take you anywhere you choose to go  
As long as you're learning  
You'll find all you'll ever need to know_

_You'll make it  
You'll make it  
Just don't forsake everything  
No one can stop you  
You know that I'm talking to you_

_When there's no one else  
Look inside yourself  
Like your oldest friend  
Just trust the voice within  
Then you'll find the strength  
That will guide your way  
If you will learn to begin  
To trust the voice within_

_Young girl don't cry  
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall_

Listening to the music I knew, I don't know how but I did. My mother was talking to me from beyond. She was singing to me. She was telling me that she'll always be with me and even though I felt like shit right now that it will get better. She was right.

I asked myself earlier that day what was the point of funerals, for closure. I'm glad I came, if I didn't I would hate myself. More tears fell from my eyes; they were raining out by now. Joyce, my mother, she was gone, she was really gone.

The casket was being lowered now. I threw a flower and many flowers followed after that.

My mother was very popular, I can only hope for as big as a funeral for when I die.

I looked over to Dawn. Willow was holding her and I could see if she hadn't been then she would have been on her knees. I dried the tears from my eyes trying to stay strong but apart of me resented the fact that Dawn was getting all the sympathy. She was my mother as well so why wasn't anyone holding me? Telling me it would be alright?

I know it was wrong, I know that but I couldn't help it.

Dawn was with her when she passed, I wasn't even there when I found out she was ill.

"In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return." The priest spoke "In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our sister Joyce; and we commit her body to the ground; earth to earth; ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless her and keep her, the Lord make her face to shine upon her and be gracious unto her and give her peace. Amen."

I could hear cries from people behind me, I could hear my own cries and then I felt a hand of my shoulder. I didn't turn around to see who it was because I didn't want to know who it was. The only person I wanted comfort from was the very person I could never get it from, should never get It from.

"I'm here" He whispered in my ear. I smiled slightly but the tears still flowed like a fountain. I thought they would never stop. It started raining again but unlike everyone else who gasped as the cold drops touched them I welcomed the rain. I welcomed everything, all the emotions, the rain, even the darkness that was threatening to swallow me.

"She wasn't meant to die. She was still young" I sobbed

"I know, I know" The hand squeezed my shoulder to tell me he was listening

"No you don't! I should have been here, I should have been with her"

"You can't blame yourself"

"Of course I can. Xander, if I was here then she wouldn't have had to deal with everything on her own"

"She didn't" Xander said "We were all here Buff. She knew you loved her and that's all that matters"

"I should have told her that" I was completely ignoring Xander

"Buffy" He turned me around to face him and for the first time I let someone see my watery eyes "Joyce knew you loved her more then anything, she knew Buff, we all knew"

That's when I broke down. I collapsed against Xander's chest and cried. I don't know how hard or loud I was crying but it seemed to draw everyone's attention

"Bless"

"That's the daughter"

"It's such a tragedy"

I heard everyone say. They were all watching me. I thought I would have to fake a breakdown, I would have rather have faked one because the pain was unbearable. It was like someone was stabbing me from inside my body

Before I knew it the ceremony was over and everyone was telling me how sorry they were for my loss. Yeah, not as sorry as I was I bet. When everyone left I stood by my mothers fresh grave alone. I still had mascara running down my cheek's which were red and white as my tears soaked my foundation off.

"How are you?"

I turned and gave a bitter laugh

"Great. Fucking great"

"Ok, stupid question I know"

"You think?" I knew I sounded like a bitch but come on, my mother was in the ground and he was asking me if I was ok "Why did you come here Angel?"

"It's getting late" He said. I looked away from my mother's grave for the first time since the ceremony to see that the sun was setting and the outdoor lights were on

"Still doesn't explain what you're doing here"

"I was worried about you" He said in almost a whisper

I turned back to my mother's grave and said nothing. He didn't have the right to worry about me. I could tell he was getting frustrated though. With himself or with me was what I couldn't tell

"I've known you less then a day Buffy and... well I don't know what you're doing to me. I can't stop thinking about you, about yesterday"

"Then try harder" A fresh tear fell from my eye. I thought I'd cried myself out of tears, obviously not

"I have! I thought I could get you out of my head, I thought I did until I saw you today with Xander. It broke my heart. I wanted to be the one to hold you; I wanted to be the one to tell you it was going to be ok"

"Well you weren't. You're getting married to Willow, my best friend. I'm maid of honor so just go home to her"

"I wish I could besides you weren't saying that to me yesterday, in fact I think I was the one telling you no"

"Well yesterday was yesterday"

"Buffy I know you're hurting" Angel tried to make an effort but I was having none of it.

"WRONG! You don't know anything about me"

"Buffy if you'd stop being so difficult then I'd offer you a lift back to your house"

"I don't want a lift. I want to stay with my mother" I said

"Buffy please just let me help" He pleaded

"I don't need or want your help"

There was a short silence until he spoke

"You know were to find me"

I knew he was leaving and apart of me wanted to run after him. I wanted him to hold me, tell me everything was going to be ok but being so stubborn I didn't.

* * *

_A/N: Ok, I really dont know what to think about this chapter. Because in the other chapters I had Buffy not really bothered about her mothers death I wanted all the emotion to come into this one, did it work? Please tell me what you think and once again thank you for all your reviews. I do feel bad for Willow and that's why I used her as Angel's fiancee. I do not own any of the charectors or the song, the song belongs to Christina Aguilera and I used that song becaue I love the song and I thought it was really relevent.  
_


	7. Numb

Chapter 7

I woke up in my own bed the following day, I don't know how the hell I got there but I did. Dawn was still, well wherever she was so I had the whole house to myself. Turns out when I left for college Mum hadn't re decorated my room so that was a plus because I couldn't bring myself to go into her room.

The silence was chilling. I've never been in the house on my own, in any house on my own as a matter of fact. In college I lived in a dorm and there was always someone there. When I lived here Mum or Dawn was always here but now I really was alone.

That's all I wanted to do was pull the covers back over my head and stay there.

The phone rung and I looked at the clock. Who the hell would phone someone at ten in the morning? I didn't answer, didn't want to answer. I guess I'll never know who rung me that day

I was twenty three, in debt and had my teenage sister to look after. My mother had life insurance, it was meant to cover everything but it didn't. It turns out that after they covered the cost of all the medical stuff and the funeral there was nothing left over.

I didn't have a job. Dawn didn't have a job; she was still in High School. I didn't know what the hell we were going to do. If I wasn't so stubborn then I would have tracked my father down. It seemed like the clever thing to do but no, I didn't want t ask him for help. I would have rather suffer.

The morning flew past in a dark blur. The next time I looked at the clock it was the afternoon and I was dressed and everything. I didn't remember getting dressed. Willow called me, she wanted to check how I was. Asked me to go for a few drinks with her, she didn't really give me a chance to say no.

Getting ready was horrible. I didn't have the heart to dress up so I shoved jeans and a plain black top on. I tied my hair back and put no make up on. My face looked like someone had smacked me a few times; my eyes were still red and puffy from crying and you could still see the tear stains on my cheeks but I didn't care.

I called a cab to come and pick me up and take me to the bronze where Willow was waiting for me. I don't know why I just didn't say no. The cab arrived just when it said it would and I got in. The driver tried to speak to me but all I did was nod and giggle slightly at the right moments, well it seemed to please him enough that he wouldn't take my money. I tried to make him take it but he was having none of it so I smiled and thanked him. A cab driver that doesn't charge, have you heard such a thing?

The bronze was crowned. I fought my way through the groups of people to the other end of the club where Willow and Angel sat laughing. I turned around to leave but was called back by Willow.

"Buffy" She shouted waving her hand as if I didn't see her. I gave her a small smile before sitting down. "How are you? I didn't see you yesterday after the service"

I almost forgot that her and Dawn threw a party, well it wasn't a party it was one of those after funeral things where everyone has a few drinks and there's snacks.

"I didn't feel like it" I said. Angel could barely look at me. I don't know if it was out of guilt or what but I didn't really care, I was too depressed about my mother to care about what was going on with him at the moment.

"If you want to talk..." Willow didn't need to continue. When people say that they don't really want you to talk about it do they? They just say it so you know that they're there for you but when you start pouring out all the your feelings she wont know what to do

I smiled. Ever since I've been back in Sunnydale that seems like the only thing I've been doing, smiling, pretending everything was great. If only they all knew how dark my inner thoughts were, what I was really feeling. If only they knew that I was going to betray them all then maybe they wouldn't be so nice to me. No, there was no maybe about it. They definitely wouldn't be so nice.

"Thanks Will" I paused trying to think of something else to say. What did we used to talk about back in High school? I can't even remember "So how's the wedding plans coming along?" I asked. Angel stiffened like he did that time in the cab. I didn't want to ask but it was either that or sit in the awkward silence

"It's so stressful trying to get everything just perfect and because we've got a colour scheme its just even harder. I bought this darling cake topper from the internet yesterday. It's a crystal blue glass colour, oh it so lovely Buffy"

This was going to be a long night I could already tell

"Your quite today" Willow said to Angel. I don't think he was listening because it took him awhile to reply

"Uh yeah long day at work"

Yeah, nothing to do with the fact he couldn't stop thinking about me. His words not mine.

"Baby" Willow whispered into his ear. I watched from the other side of the round table, thinking that they were an odd couple. Not because they were odd, no, because I would have thought Willow would have chosen someone safe, reliable. I hadn't known Angel that long, actually not long at all but I knew he wasn't any of those things. Just by looked at him I could tell he could fill a house with all of his ex's, that and what Faith said when we played never have I ever and then there was little Willow who had only been with Oz. Hmm, yeah very odd pairing.

"I'm going to go get a drink, does anyone want anything?" I said standing up. That's all I wanted to do was numb the pain and alcohol would certainly help

"No thank you" Angel said quietly. Willow shook her head so I went to the bar alone. As I got there I saw Faith pouring drinks from behind it.

"Yo, B what can I get'cha?"

"Faith.. what are..." I stopped myself just on time. Stupid question, she was obviously working here, duh! "How are you?" I asked lamely

"Five by five how 'bout you?"

"I'm good" I answered automatically. Faith looked at me, I felt as if she was searching me for something and she was.

"You can fool Willow, you can fool Xander, you can fool everyone else but you can't fool me B" She said "Five years ago I could see your heart through your eyes and now there's nothing, they're empty. What happened to the girl who didn't have a care in the world?"

I stood silent. I knew from the start that if anyone was going to see past my useless attempt to cover up the pain it would be Faith

"She grew up" I answered harshly with no emotion in my voice.

"You better put that smile back on your face in case red starts asking questions" Faith said answer a long pause. I gave her a thankful smile and asked for a drink

I returned tot he table with a drink in each hand, both for me of course

"Take it easy" Willow warned eyeing both my drink's up

I hugged them to me protectively. Take it easy; who the hell did she think she was telling me that. If I wanted to get as drunk as I could get I could. I said nothing to her but looked at her with a intense glare while bringing the glass to my lips

"You'll never guess who I saw the other day?"

Hold up a minuet. Was Willow gossiping?

"Who?" I asked already bored. Angel sat still, he had only spoke six words

"Harmony Kendall, you remember Harmony don't you? From High school?" I nodded. Of course I remembered her, she made my life hell especially after Mr Popular. You see Harmony was one of those girls who did anything to be popular; she used to run around after Cordelia, before she went out with Xander. Cordelia used to be Queen C before Xand but then the team bitch kicked her out of they're little group. When I was with Mr Popular, Harmony would do what ever she could to embarrass me in front of him, prove that she was better and in the end she got him but not for long, he did the same thing he did to me and I laughed about it.

"Is she still like she was?" I asked

"Shallow, in love with herself, vain, manipulative, bitchy? Yeah, pretty much"

"She's not that bad" Angel piped in. Oh it speaks.

"Yeah sure she isn't" I grunted. Willow looked at him shaking her head

"Harmony and Buffy had a bit of history. Buffy used to go out with this guy and..."

"Yeah, I don't think he wants to hear my life story Will" I grabbed my drink and threw it down my throat scrunching my face as I did so. Willow and Angel looked at me with worrying eyes. I did the same to the other glass and got up to get another

"Maybe you shouldn't" Willow suggested

"Maybe I should!" I snapped at her. As I walked off I could see Willow nudging Angel out of the corner of my eye as if she was asking him to do something about it. I laughed. I wasn't some naughty little girl they could put to bed although I wouldn't have minded Angel putting me to bed, or putting me anywhere actually. Oh god no. I was getting those thoughts again. It was the alcohol. I could feel it starting to numb me, to make me not care anymore and I embraced it

"Another one" I said to Faith. She didn't argue with me like Willow did, she just poured me another vodka like a good little barmaid.

"Are you sure you want to be doing this to yourself B?" She asked before giving me the drink "I'm not patronizing you but you know if you carry on then you're in for a bumpy road"

"I know" I confessed and took the drink out of her hands. That's why I liked Faith, she didn't patronize me or pretend to know what was best.

Willow thought she was mother hen or something 'cause she was getting married. Maybe he got her knocked up and that's why they were getting married? Or maybe I watch too much TV but it happens right? I threw the drink down my throat again and let it take over my body. Again I didn't need a lot to reach a point of numbness so when it suddenly came I wasn't surprised. I smiled, feeling like I could do anything and at that point I probably could.

People were dancing all around me, they were moving fast, too fast. The whole room was spinning out of control and my legs felt so heavy. I stumbled to the side, well I think it was the side, anyway I stumbled to somewhere to hold onto something but I didn't feel bad, I couldn't feel.

"Are you ok?" Someone asked me. I recognized the voice as his, Angel's but I couldn't be sure "Come on, I'm taking you home"

"The p...po...polite thing would be tooooo ask" I struggled to get my words out but I didn't seem to care. I heard a deep sigh and then the next thing I knew I was being lifted. Wait, lifted? I giggled to myself, I must have been on the floor. Angel had one hand around my waist and the other around my shoulder as he guided me outside the crowded club

"Are you taking me home?"

"Yes" He answered

"mmmh good. I like you, you're great. I think you're great" I repeated poking his chest. If he wasn't so annoyed at the fact he had to look after me I could tell he would have been laughing at me "Am I going back to my house?"

"No, I'm taking you to mine"

"Ohhh I think Willow will have a thing or two to say about that" I chuckled

"You let me worry about Willow" Angel pushed my head down so I wouldn't hit it as I got into his car "If you want to be sick tell me so I can stop"

Haaa! Just as I thought, he was one of those men who treated his car like his baby.

_A/N: Thank you for you reviews, they're all so nice. I actually cried in the last chapter and I wrote it. I originally had this fic planned out but after reading this chapter and my last one I'm thinking of making it a much darker fic, what do you think?_


	8. Déjà vu

Chapter 8

My head was thumping when I woke and I could feel my stomach turning. I wasn't in my bed, no, I was in a different house all together. As I tried to remember last nights events I didn't even hear Willow coming into the room

"How you feeling?" She asked

"Urgh, it's too early" I grumbled with the pillow covered my head

"Well you shouldn't have drunk so much"

Wait Déjà vu. It was exactly like my first day back in Sunnydale when I slept on the sofa.

"Buffy, you better get it together because the social worker's coming around tomorrow morning and she definitely won't be happy if you're like this"

I pulled the covers back over my head and ignored her. She took the hint because she stormed off making it clear she wasn't happy with me being there. I'm sorry if I was a inconvenience to her all so perfect life but you know, I was feeling a bit depressed, a bit, ha! Understatement of the year.7

I went back to sleep for a few hours, when I woke again it was the afternoon. I still wasn't feeling well but I was determined to get up. It took all of my strength to get out of the warm bed but I managed it. A dressing gown was hanging on the door, I wrapped it round me to cover my myself up. I was only wearing my bra and briefs. By briefs I actually mean boxers, what? Their just so comfy

The house was nice and warm, my warmer then my own but that might have something to do with the gas has been turned off at mine. I didn't bother brushing my hair or anything. I got as far as the landing before landing on my ass. I looked up from the floor, I seemed to be doing that a lot lately. Anyway back to the point, I looked up from the floor to see a very wet and naked Angel. Well he would have been naked if he didn't have the towel wrapped around his very nice waist

Sitting there smiling I must have looked like a right idiot but I couldn't look away, it was like my eyes were stuck, no it wasn't like that at all because they were actually stuck. This man is going to be the death of me.

"Sorry" Angel mumbled putting his hand on his neck. I didn't even hear what he said because I was too busy trying to imagine that the towel wasn't there. Every inch of his body that was see able was a nice sun kissed colour. See able, is that even a word? You could tell he went to the gym. Water dripped down his muscling chest, what I would have done to lick it off. O god, see what he's doing to me?

I shook my head trying to get a grip back on reality, trying to get all the lovely images out of my head. As lovely as they were they so weren't appropriate

"Buffy" Willow chucked "Why are you on the floor?"

Angel turned around to face the stair way where Willow was and I could see the tattoo on his shoulder blade. It was, I don't know how to describe it, beautiful, deep, symbolic. If someone asked me why I chose those words I couldn't give them an answer, I didn't even know what it meant. The tattoo was of a gryphon with the Letter A between its feet/paws/bird things, whatever gryphon's have as feet.

"I ran her over" Angel giggled nervously when it was obvious that I wasn't going to answer. I liked his nervous giggle, it was so cute. I could tell Willow was dying to say something about Angel's nakedness but she didn't. If it was me I would have marched him in the bedroom and dressed him myself especially if someone was looking at him the way I was looking at him.

"Do you want something to eat Buffy?" Willow asked through the awkward moment. It was actually quite funny. I was sitting on the floor gaping at Angel with lustful eyes, he was clutching his towel as if I was going to rip it off and Willow, well she was just an extra in the scene.

"No but I wouldn't mind something to drink" I got up from the floor using the wood panelling as support. I laughed to myself as Willow looked at me with a disapproval look "Relax, I was joking" I think I was joking anyway. Although if someone offered me a drink I wouldn't have said no. There wasn't much I would have said no to at that moment.

Angel walked casually into the bed room and I couldn't help but smile

"When's the last time you've ate?"

Oh, now that her fiancé wasn't about she was worried about me

"Cant remember" I replied honestly. I couldn't, I knew I hadn't ate today, or yesterday

"I'm going to whip up something nice and we are all going to sit down and eat it, that includes you Buffy" She turned herself around to climb down the stairs. When she reached the last one she turned back around "you too Angel" She shouted

That didn't sound to bad, dinner with Angel and Willow, shame Willow had to be there but hey, life's a bitch especially mine.

I sat on top of the stairs for god knows how long. There was a window just besides me, one of them really long ones that reaches from the floor to the ceiling. The window over looked the whole of Sunnydale which was nothing interesting really.

"How are you?" Angel asked sitting on the top step next to me.

What is with everyone and that question?

"A bit hung-over" I looked at him, he was dressed now. Shame really. "Willows practically banned me from anymore booze"

"I'm not surprised, what she say?"

"It wasn't what she said it was what she didn't say"

"Did she do that thing with her eyes?"

"She gives you that look too? And there was me thinking I was the only one who received the look"

"What's the matter? Not feeling special anymore?" Angel laughed, I laughed with him. It felt good talking to him, we weren't even talking about anything but it was still good

"I'm always special"

"That you are" He said seriously.

I blushed but couldn't help but smile, it was sweet, one of the sweetest things anyone's said to me. Well it wasn't a very big competition. The sweetest thing Mr Popular ever said to me was ... actually let's not get into that because if I get into it then I'll be here awhile talking about his bedroom habits.

"Thanks" I whispered shyly

"Meeting with the social worker tomorrow huh? You nervous?"

"I don't know. I just don't know what to think. One minuet I'm happy in New York and the next I'm expected to give my life up and move back here. No one's even asked me if I wanted to take care of Dawn. Is that selfish of me?" Ok so maybe my life as great as I was making out in New York but things were stable there, Sunnydale is just so complicated, it's always been.

"Of course not, maybe you should speak with Dawn or the social worker tomorrow, that's why she's coming around isn't it?"

"Yeah and if I tell her that I don't want to look after Dawn what then? She'll get send off somewhere with random people she doesn't even know. I can't do that to her, I cant. No matter what she's still my sister"

"You're a good person Buffy"

"No, no I'm not. If I was a good person I wouldn't be bitching about having to look after my kid sister. It must be awful for her; she knows I don't want her. Her mother's just died and no one wants her. Dad wants nothing to do with her. At the funeral when I saw everyone around her, you know what I thought?" Angel shook his head "I resented the fact that she was getting all the attention"

"Grief affects us in ways that..." I didn't let him continue, I didn't want him making excuses for me.

"Don't! Ok, just don't" I got up from the step and walked down to the kitchen where Willow was busy cooking something.

Everything was brown in the kitchen, all wooden. The floor was all laminated and the walls were beige with a dark brown panel going across the middle. There was a large wooden table in the middle of the room with five seats on the left, five on the right and then one at both ends of the table.

"Oh Buffy, Dawn just called" Willow said expecting me to say something more then I did, I would have had to say something for her to expect more though "She asked me to ask you if it was alright if she stays at her friends tonight"

I nodded

"Don't you even want to know what friend?"

"I trust her" I shrugged

"Buffy wouldn't the social worker want Dawn to be there with you tomorrow?"

Why was she asking me that? What did she think I was an all seeing mirror? It wasn't like I've ever met a social worker before

"I don't know, it's me she wants to talk to so what's the problem?" I said as Willow dished out. I don't know what she made it looked like something you would have in an expensive restraint except the pasta was green. Ok, that was different.

"Yes but maybe she would like to ask Dawn what she wants to do"

Since when has she become a social worker?

"No, if Dawn wants to sleep up whoever then who am I to say she cant" It's not like I didn't want Dawn in the house, ok maybe it was but I had a good reason, ok, maybe it wasn't that good. Dawn blamed me for Mum's death, I know she said she didn't on the phone when she broke the news to me but in the funeral I could see it, I could see she wanted me to be in that hole, in that box.

"You're her guardian Buffy, that's who. You have to take more interest in her life, find out whose house she's over"

Great she thinks she was a psychiatrist now

"I was a teenager once and I used to hate it when my mother got involved in my person life" I told her honesty. I didn't have much of a personal life but the times I did then I hated her asking me about it, it was horrible, like she didn't have her own life. Oh god here I was bitching about my dead mother I had to remind my self we must not speak ill of the dead.

"Yeah but your her sister, its different"

"Not really"

"Of course it is" She argued

"Not really 'cause I'm not just get sister anymore, I'm her guardian, I can ground her and shout at her and cool things like that"

"It isn't cool, it's a big responsibility. Are you sure you know what you're getting into Buffy?" Willow asked me. I don't know why she was asking, if I didn't do it then who was? I wasn't going to let end up god knows where

"Yeah, I know" I said looking at the floor. It was the only place I could look. How could I tell her that I didn't want to look after my little sister? I couldn't.

Willow continued to look at me, seeing if I was telling the truth then she went back to dinner

"Would you mind helping me putting these on the table?"

I picked up a plate and set it down on the table before sitting in the chair

"Angel!" Willow called "Dinner's ready"

I was going to say something about how a nice glass of red wine would be perfect but I don't think Willow would like that.

_A/N: Quite an irrelevant chapter but I did like the Buffy and Angel talk. This is the first fic I've written in first person and I know I write it in both past and present tenses t so sorry if that confuses you. It's actually supposed to be present tense although I know in the first chapter Buffy's looking back on her life; it's really confusing even for me. Thank you all for your wonderful reviews, they do make me write so keep them coming. Ta._


	9. Covering the truth

Chapter 9

The social worker arrived five minuets early. As soon as I heard the thump on the door I panicked, as in proper stopped breathing panicked. I had a glass of wine for breakfast, just to calm my nerves but one glass of wine led to another and then another and here I was standing behind the front door drunk. I knew it would be a bad idea if Dawn slept out. Oh what am I on about I wanted Dawn to sleep out and now I was regretting it.

I was completely screwed.

Thump thump.

The door was tormenting me, I could tell It was doing it on purpose. At that moment I really thought I was going insane. Arrrgh, what the hell was happening to me?

I opened the door slowly trying to act as sober as I could which was extremely difficult due to the glass I had just downed before the knock; I knew I shouldn't have had it, I should listen to myself more often.

The social worker introduced herself but I was too busy panicking to hear so I panicked even more because I didn't know her name and I couldn't ask, it would be so rude.

I led her into the kitchen first. I think I managed to hide my drunkenness because she didn't say anything about it, instead she was talking about the decoration and all the weird art stuff that was hanging on the wall

"I do love this, where did you get it from?" She asked pointing at a what looked like African mask with red paint across the eyes. I've always thought it was ugly plus it creeped me out when I was younger but I didn't say that

"Yes it's lovely isn't it" I said trying to score brownie points "As for where I got it, I'm not quite sure, it was my late mothers" Only after when I spoke I realised I sounded like an idiot

"I'm sorry for your loss" She said. I sighed, I was tired of everyone being sorry

"Glass of wine?" I asked trying to lighten up the mood

"Oh no, it's too early for me" She replied noticing the bottle was already open. I led her into the living room; made sure she was comfortable and I might as well said _Hello I'm Buffy, your slave for this evening how can I help you?_

We sat there talking for a while, can't remember how long. She was talking to me; I could tell because her lips were moving but I wasn't listening instead I was ranting to myself. How dare this stranger come into MY home and judge me because that's what she was doing. She was going to make a decision that affected so many lives on one meeting but then again it was hardly her fault, it was the job. I glanced at the clock, the moving hand was moving so slowly it was unbelievable. I could feel myself sobering up and it wasn't nice. I've always wondered how long you would have to be an alcoholic for before your liver starts to fail....Hmm that was something I would Google later

"Well, I think that's it" She gathered all her papers and put them back into her big back "That's all that's left now is for me to speak to Dawn and then we can get the paper work done"

So, Willow was right, they did want to speak to Dawn. I didn't know whether to be happy about it or not, some part of me hoped that Dawn would tell them that she didn't want to live with me, that she wanted to get as far from me as she could get but I knew that would never happen, she had nowhere else to go and staying with a stranger was simply not an option

I nodded, smiled, shook her hand and showed her to the door. The social worker took one last worried glance at me before driving off. As soon as the red car was out of sight I slammed the door shut and rushed into the kitchen for the drink I desperately needed. Not even bothering to get a glass a brought the round bottle to my lips and swigged the red liquid hoping to feel the numbness I needed.

Tomorrow we were all going to L.A, wedding shopping for Willow's wedding. Everywhere I went I couldn't escape wedding talk or the silent glares of sympathy people would send me from a distance. I shook my head trying to thinking of something else, happy thoughts. Thoughts of flying, rainbows and stars but my thoughts of flying ended with me crash landing onto the ground. My thoughts of rainbows ended with the different colours all turning black and grey and my thoughts of stars ended up disappearing into the darkness much like I was doing.

Within a few seconds the bottle was empty but I still couldn't forget so I went into the bathroom and opened the cabinet behind the mirror. I didn't know what I was looking for, I didn't care either.

I stopped searching when I found my mothers Valium. I didn't know what it did at the time, I just remembered in college that the people from the dorm opposite me did it often. I read the label on the back on the packet, don't know why I even bothered. It said that only the person subscribed should be taking the tablets and the do not take if you are pregnant, have a history of drug abuse, side effects and all that but I took it anyway. I swallowed two of the small pills without any water or anything. I didn't know if I would need more or not but after awhile I knew it had started to work

My muscles started to loosen and all my troubles and worrys seem to go away. It was better then the wine, better then the vodka. I didn't feel like I was on a high I just felt relaxed and that's all I really wanted.

For the first time in ages I slept peacefully. There was no Dawn telling me I fucked up, no Willow telling me I was a terrible friend, there was nothing. I didn't wake up at all that night either. If Dawn had been in the house she would have probably thought I was dead because I did, even when I woke the next morning I thought I woke in heaven but then heaven would never let me in, they only let good people in. The sun rise brought with it a massive hangover and one hell of a come down. I thought about taking some more pills to ease everything but I remembered about the trip to L.A that I wasn't allowed to forget about.

I got up from the sofa and chuckled, I couldn't even find my way to the bed. On my way to the kitchen I glanced at the clock, I only had one hour to get ready before the road trip from hell. Slowly I opened the fridge. There was nothing in there, nothing. Well, okay maybe there was a lump of gone of cheese but besides that nothing and then it dawned on me that the only time I had eaten was when Willow made me lunch. I didn't feel hungry though, didn't feel anything.

I decided that I would ask Willow to stop somewhere on the way but there as no way I was going to give her the satisfaction of knowing what a mess I had become. Through ought High School I was always the cool one, I wasn't popular either but I had confidence in myself and then there was old reliable Willow. Oh how the tables had turned. Look at me now, taking my dead mothers valium and trying to get on my best friends fiancé, ha nice one Buff.

A car horn beeped from outside, I looked out the window and saw a black Plymouth GTX in my drive. Great she was early. My heart rate increased dramatically, I didn't want anyone seeing me like this, especially not Willow so I ran upstairs as fast as I could and violently brushed my hair, ripping out enough strands of hair to make extensions in the proses. Taking out my tub of foundation I painted it on not caring if I looked a bit odd, at least she would think I made an effort. There was a knock on the door but I didn't answer, didn't even call out, instead I carried on getting ready.

There was another knock on the door, a louder knock a stronger one. Again I ignored it until it got to loud to ignore so I wrapped my dressing gown around my nearly naked body and went downstairs to answer the door.

"Yes?" I greeted rudely.

There standing at the door was Angel looking a bit embarrassed

"Uh sorry...." He half chuckled "When you didn't answer I thought that something had happened"

I raised an eyebrow at him

"Like what?" I looked past Angel and into his car, there was no one in the passenger seat, no one in the car at all as a matter of fact "Where's Willow?"

"I dropped her off at Starbucks because she wanted a coffee, we're picking her up on the way" Angel explained. I nodded. "So you going to invite me in or am I just meant to stand here like a lemon?"

I didn't say anything to him only stepped aside leaving him free to come in

"How'd it go with the social worker?" He asked entering the living area

"I'm going to get dressed you stay here and don't touch anything" I replied avoiding the question. I couldn't tell him it went horribly could I? And I knew he only asked to make conversation. I jogged up the stairs to put on some dark skinny jeans to wear with my black ugg boots and a long top that was mid thigh length with a silver belt hanging loosely from the top.

Once I was done I went to my empty living area. Angel wasn't there. He was gone. I stood at the doorway wondering where he could have gone until I heard a noise in the kitchen.

"Angel?" I called "I thought I told you to stay in the living room" I opened the kitchen door and in front me was Angel holding the Valium packet

"What are these?" He asked calmly.

I felt like snatching them out of his hand and telling him to mind his own business but I managed to restrain myself. In stead I forced myself to be as calm as him while quickly thinking up a good story

"Valium tablets" I told him smugly. Yeah, what a good story.

"I know that, what I mean is what are you doing with them?"

"Their my mothers" I said honestly

"So what are you doing with them?" Angel repeated. I felt like I was back in pre school being interrogated for pushing a little girl off a bike because I wanted to ride it.

"Well you see Angel" I began "This is my mothers house so some of her things are still going to be here since she didn't take them to the after life with her"

"Yeah but why are they on the unit open?"

What was with all the questions? Couldn't he just accept my answer? Why the hell did there have to be more to it

"Maybe she forgot to put them away" I shrugged

"Buffy, your mothers been..." Angel paused to try and chose his words carefully. I don't know why. I knew what he was going to say "Haven't you put things away or anything?"

"I've had more important things to do then clean" I snapped "You can't just come into my home and start accusing me of things"

"I haven't accused you of anything" Angel said with the same calmness he had earlier on. I wanted to argue but I knew it was pointless, he hadn't actually accused me of anything but I knew what he thought, what he still thought so instead of putting up a fight i grabbed my keys and headed for the door

"Aren't we going then?" I said with as much attitude as I could.

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_A/N: Finally! I know its been a long time but I've only just got back from Ibiza, as in I only got off the plane a few hours ago. I don't know about this chapter I was in a rush to get something up so I rushed it a bit. Thank you for all your wonderful reviews they inspire me to write and now I'm going to write another chapter for my other fic which hopefully will be up tomorrow, hopefully. _


	10. Wedding talk

Chapter 10

We drove to Starbucks in an awkward silence, well it was awkward for me but I think Angel liked the silence. He didn't even look at me but the thing that hurt the most was that he wasn't even bothered. Anyone would have thought he liked the silence that was choking the car. I wanted to sigh loudly as if to remind him that I was still here but he knew I was here. The car came to a stop as Angel pulled up right outside the coffee shop. A car from behind beeped its horn at Angel's sudden stop but he just ignored it.

"I don't think you're allowed to park here" I told him making my presence known. I might as well have spoken to the car, probably get more of a response out of it because Angel just ignored me.

With two honks from the horn Willow came rushing out with a coffee in one hand and her phone in the other. Angel got out from the car to let her in the backseat although I could tell she expected me to move but I wasn't moving for anyone especially not her.

Bitter? Yeah, I was. Here I was with my world sinking in front of me and I couldn't get away from it, I couldn't get onto the life boat, it was there but it was floating away. And then there was Willow, she had everything she ever wanted and everything I've ever wanted.

Jealous? Understatement. I was beyond jealous. I felt like I was drowning in envy and the only person who could save me was him, my best friend's fiancé. It was funny, well it would have been if it wasn't happening to me.

"Hey Buffy, how'd it go with the social worker?" Willow asked while sipping her starbucks take away coffee

There it was again, that awful question. Why did people keep asking me that? Couldn't they mind their own business. Didn't they think that maybe, just maybe it didn't go well and I didn't want it to go well either. I know that's an awful thing to say but on some level it was true.

"Fine" I mumbled starring out of the window.

We were now on our way to Los Angeles to find perfect Willow the perfect wedding dress. On the outside I was all smiles and calmness but on the inside I was anything but calm. My heart was telling me to turn and kiss Angel while Willow was in the backseat and my head, well that was telling me to drag Willow out by the hair and take everything out on her. I really don't know how I was managing to act so sane.

"I'm so exited!" Willow exclaimed lifting her shoulders. Lucky her, what did I have to be excited about? Being bridesmaid at their wedding, yeah 'cause that was going to be so great wasn't it. "Angel, when we get there you're going to have to go with the guys because I really don't want you seeing any dresses, not even the ones I try on and don't like"

"Yeah, of course baby" Angel said distractedly as he concentrated on the road ahead of him

"But then I want you to have a matching tie to my dress so how is that going to work. Oh no, your going to have to see my dress aren't you! Oh my god this is going so wrong"

I raised a eye brow at Willow who was about to hyperventilate, she sure was the stupidest smart person I've ever met. Angel pulled over on the side of the road, took his seat belt off and turned in the chair to face Willow.

"Baby, you're dress is going to be white, that I know so I'll get a white tie and we'll be matching so just calm down and breath"

Willow took the advice that was given to her and took a few deep breaths then smile and leaned over to kiss Angel

"mmh you smell nice" She purred after she finished her assault. I sat in the passenger seat quite, trying to ignore the disgusting slurping sounds. If my friend had looked at me then she would have seen my thunderous face and she would be able to tell that I was close to striking.

After what felt like ten hours in the small confined car we finally arrived to a day of pure boredom, fun, fun. I slowly got out of the car and lifted the leaver on the seat to let Willow out too.

"We're off then, I shall see you later ok. Just remember to get a nice suite and tell the guys not to get theirs until I ring because I still haven't decided what colour I want the bridesmaid, I do know though I want Buffy in a different colour and I want your best man in the same colour as Buffy, okay"

Angel nodded his head but I could tell he didn't get any of what she had said. Guy's didn't do the whole wedding colour scheme.

"Let's go then maid of honour" Willow beamed at me and took me by the arm. I gave one last glance to Angel who was walking away too meet the rest of the guys that had followed in a different car.

We stopped outside a white decorated bridal shop with gowns and tux's modelled in the window. I wiped some sweat from my forehead from the heat and wished I didn't wrap up so warm since it was like 30 degrees. Willow entered the shop first and the wind chimes sang as the air hit them.

We both walked pleasantly into the posh shop, careful not to touch anything just in case we did some damage to the luxurious gowns. Both sides of the chop were covered in shelves with accessories on them. I examined the expensive tiaras; the most expensive ones were made with real diamonds, ruby's and sapphires, the less expensive ones with rhinestones. At the back of the shop was a little arch made in the wall and through there must have been where all the gowns were kept even though some of theme were out in the middle of the room on the models.

Anya, Tara and Faith were already sitting on the black leather sofa so I slumped down next to them

"Rough day?" Faith asked. I smiled, at least she didn't ask how the social worker's visit went. That's why I loved Faith so much, she knew when I wanted to talk about something and when I didn't, she knew when to step in and when not too

"Well I could do with a few drinks" I replied making her smile

"Couldn't we all, I'm surprised you're not feeling queasy driving up with them two erghh. Their almost as bad as Xander and Anya" Faith joked

"Hey! You're one to talk, besides me and Xander are open to public display of affection" Anya argued

"That's not all their open too" Faith giggled, so did I, even Tara managed to crack a smile. This was the first time I had met Tara, she was a friend of Willow's from college, apparently the two and become very close, Faith had even hinted that the two had a sexual relationship but I didn't believe her. Tara was nice girl, quite though.

Anya frowned at Faith biting her tongue to keep her from saying something she would regret, Faith had no shame so here was no point saying anything back and of course Faith always had the best insults so there really was no point.

Willow came over with a shop assistant dressed in a white shirt and waist high pencil skirt

"So are these your bridesmaid's?" She asked looking us over

"Well these three are, this is my maid of honour, I want her in a different dress and maybe a different colour, I'm not sure yet" Willow replied looking at me

"Could you all stand up so I could look at you all please?"

We all did as we were told without any fuss, well expect for Faith. She grumbled as she got up and when it was her turn for the shop assistants observation she didn't like it at all.

"What's this?" She asked pointing at Faiths tribal tattoo around the top of her arm. Faith just looked at the plump woman as if to say what does it look like "This just wont do! People should think twice about having tattoo's I mean it looks so tacky on the wedding day"

I thanked god that my tattoo was out of sight, I'm really not good with abuse. I don't know how Faith just stood there and took it, normally she would have bit back. I looked over and Willow and could see that she was just happy that Faith hadn't said anything back

"The bridesmaids will have to wear shawl's or something then, because we can not have that thing ruining the dresses"

She was talking as if Faith had put a stain on one of her dresses or something but then I guess if you come to a shop that sells diamond tiaras then they were aloud to give you abuse.

The shop assistant clapped her hands twice before wobbling into the back followed by Willow who was trying to keep up with the woman

"Fucking bitch" Faith muttered. I nodded my head annoyed that Willow hadn't said anything. Tara flinched at Faith's harsh words, it was sweet and then I realised that we were similar in a way, we were both shy and quite, we both avoided people in college and we were both still hurting, from what she was hurting I didn't know, it was none of my business but when ever she was ready to talk I would be there for her.

"Lady's, I have found you the perfect dresses" Willow smiled calling us over. I tried to hide my frown but Faith caught it and rolled her eyes telling me that what ever I was feeling she was feeling the same, I doubted it very much.

Willow held up a emerald green silk fish tail gown with a tie up neck. Anya only had too look at it once before deciding she was not going to wear it

"Ohh no, you are not getting me in that"

Willow folded her arms and sighed. I felt a bit sorry for her, I mean it was her wedding so if she wanted her bridesmaid's in a dress like that then she should have them in it

"And why not?"

"Because it's silk and you have to have like a surfboard stomach for silk, I mean Buffy and Faith will be fine but what about me and Tara?" Anya quickly turned Tara and apologised, well in her own way "No offence or anything Tara but your curvy, nothing wrong with that"

Tara only nodded and I couldn't help but laugh, Anya really didn't know when to shut up

"Buffy's not even going to be wearing this dress so Faith's the only one who's going to look good in it unless that's your plan, have all your bridesmaids looking ugly to make you look good?"

"Hey, I don't look good in green so I won't be looking good" Faith pointed out still smiling

I gazed around the room bored, I wanted to go, I wanted to be anywhere but here. All the dress talk and arguing was making my head explode.

"Buffy? Will you do me a favour, while we try and sort this out will you make sure Angel's actually suite shopping and not in a bar?" Willow asked. I smiled not believing how lucky I was

"Sure"

"Ring him off my phone if you want too, don't be too long though because you'll have to try on your dress"

"I'll ring him off my own phone and yeah course, just ring me when you need me" I grinned at Faith who showed me her middle finger, I knew she was jealous and wanted to go with me.

Walking out of the shop was like walking into a room full of air, everything felt right, even if it was boiling hot but I didn't mind, I only wanted a quick drink before going to see Angel. I walked down the clean street and finally found a small bar. It was only one o clock in the afternoon but that didn't bother me

"Vodka straight" I said to the man the other side of the bar. He nodded and smiled at me with no judgement on his face. I paid the man then threw the sour liquid into my mouth before thanking him and leave. Taking out my phone I looked for the number I needed and then waited for an answer

"Angel? Yeah hey, its Buffy. Willow asked me to check up on you guys so where are you? Oh, yeah okay I'll be there in a few. Bye" I hung up and made my way to the suite shop that was only round the corner from the bar I had just been too.

It looked just as fancy as the bridal shop I was just in except it was for men and instead of tiaras they had ties and cufflinks. I couldn't miss Angel who was standing in the middle of the room in a dashing black suite with all the women assistants around him measuring his arms and thighs

"Alright pet? How's it going on the other side?" Spike asked adjusting his blue tie

"Oh don't ask, their all making a fuss about some green dress, I don't know. I was just glad to be out of there really"

Angel turned around to look at me and I swear my heart skipped a beat. Images of him in the very same black suite and ivory tie in a church were flashing through my head.

"Hey" I said dumbly. The assistant turned and rushed me closer to him

"So this must be your dashing bride then" She beamed. Before anyone could say anything she carried on "Well I'll just leave you and Angel to discuss which suite is better, they are all in the changing room so your welcome to go and have a browse, just call me if you need anything"

"Im not..."

"It might help to have a female opinion" Xander butted in so the next thing I knew I was being pushed into a small box with Angel.

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_[A/n: I am in shock, I've actually updated. I've been working on this chapter for months, just hope it was worth it haha. Well enjoy, tell me what you think and hopefully you wont have to wait this long for another update, happy easter]_


	11. Angel's history lesson

Chapter 11

"It might help to have a female opinion" Xander butted in so the next thing I knew I was being pushed into a small box with Angel.

The suits were all hung up nicely without a crease but it wasn't the suits I was looking at. Angel stood in the corner of the room as far away from me as he could get. His hand was on the back of his neck and he refused to make eye contact with me so I just bit my lip like a lemon and shuffled my feet.

"So…" He extended.

So what? I didn't know what to say. All the way to L.A we drove in silence, he hadn't spoken a word to me and now he was trying to make conversation?

"Buffy, those tablets I found lying around your house"

"This is a nice suite" I quickly said purposely changing the conversation. It had nothing to do with him so why was he getting involved? What was lying around my house didn't concern him

"Stop changing the conversation dam it!" He said irritable. I turned my face so I couldn't see his eyes, he could make a tyrant fall to their knees with his eyes, they were so aggressive but so kind, so pleading but so proud, so angry but so calm. "Buffy please" He said more softly "Let me in, I just want to help" Angel moved closer to me, close enough that I could feel his warm gentle hand on my cold arm.

At that moment I wanted to cry, I wanted to fall to my knees and tell him that I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, that I was aching in pain and no paracetamol could make It feel better but I didn't, I turned my head so I wouldn't get hypnotized by his eyes

Angel sighed, he must have known that I wasn't going to let him in, not yet anyway so I looked up at the light and kept my tears for later, when I was alone with my bottle of wine.

"I lost my mother" He whispered. I looked at him surprised. I thought that he was going to leave it and he didn't seem the type to talk about his emotions to just anyone "I've only really talked about it to one person, Willow doesn't even know"

"So why are you telling me?" I asked as kindly as I could. I didn't mean it in a nasty way, I was happy that he trusted me with this but confused, he had only known me a few days and then there was Willow, his beloved fiancée.

"Sometimes its good to talk to someone who wont judge you" Angel gave me a small smile before carrying on. "I was 18 when I lost her, she left me and my sister alone and yeah I was pissed at first, how could she do that to us but she didn't want to go, she had to"

"What about your father?"

Angel gave a bitter laugh and I wondered if I had said something wrong

"My father is a waste of space; you see he used to hit my mother before moving onto me and Kathy. My mum, well she used to get the worst of it trying to protect us. I was 15 when he left, Kathy was only 7"

"I'm sorry but why didn't she leave him sooner?" I asked

"She loved him. I guess when you love a person you can put up with a lot of things but ones Kathy was old enough to take a beating, well I guess it was too much. She was only 5 when he started on her and it took my mother 2 years to get out. I used to scream at her, I used to tell her that it was alright for her to take it, alright for me but not Kathy , not a 5 year old girl, it wasn't right"

"He used to hit you as well?"

Angel flinched, I could tell it was hard for him to talk about this but that didn't stop him. We could hear the shop going on without us, the guys trying on suits but we stayed in the changing room, sitting down on the floor with the curtain drawn

"He'd never raised a hand at me before but one night I went downstairs for a glass of water. My mother was screaming and he was kicking her on the floor. I waited for it to stop but it didn't, he kept on kicking her. I'd never seen him that angry before so I went down and told him to stop, he didn't touch me that night but the night after that I got send to hospital"

"Why didn't she leave him after that?"

"He swore that he would never do it again , we both knew that was a lie but she wanted so much to believe him"

"What happened then?"

"Well it carried on until she left him. One night she came into my room and told me to pack some things and get Kathy up so I did and we never went back there again. I don't know where my father is now and I'm glad because if I did then I don't know what I'd do to him"

We sat in silence, I wanted to know more about Angel's life but didn't want to push him into telling me, I hated how people did that. Angel just kept looking at me with his head tilted, it was like he was studying every detail of my face

"We went to my auntie's in Texas and that's where we lived until my mother died. After that I got selfish, went out partying all night, treated girls as things to be used ones then thrown away, I wasn't the nicest of people and then I just got tired of I t all so I packed my bags and moved to L.A without a word to anyone. I sorted myself out in L.A though and when I went back to Texas the house was up for sale and my aunty and sister had already moved. Buffy, I don't want you to make the same mistake as me, please just talk to me, if you don't want to that's fine but talk to someone, I care about you"

I listened to his story and tried to empathized until he told me he cared about me. How could he? He was with my best friend? He had only known me a few days, how could he possibly care about me? He'd never seen the happy Buffy, the really Buffy, no one had for some time now

"How can you say that? How can you sit there and tell me you care about me? How can you possibly care about me Angel?" I said harshly

"I don't know, I honestly don't know but what I do know is that you've made more of an impact on my life in the short time I've known you then anyone ever has"

"Thank you" I whispered. Angel chuckled

"Thank you?"

"I didn't know what else to say" I giggled at how stupid I sounded buy I didn't care, I didn't care about anything. I felt whole, for once since I cam back to Sunnydale I felt good but that only lasted for a minuet then I heard the background sounds, Xander arguing with Spike over who gets to do the speech, Doyle laughing at the pair and the music the shop was playing

_Today is going to be the day  
That they're going to throw it back to you  
By now you should've somehow  
Realized what you got to do  
I don't believe that anybody  
Feels the way I do about you now_

"Well I'm okay with thank you, for now anyway" Angel smiled. He had such a beautiful smile that I couldn't help but feel the way I did about him. I wanted him, I've wanted him since the first day I came back to Sunnydale, when he taught me how to drink a shot

_Backbeat the word was on the street  
That the fire in your heart is out  
I'm sure you've heard it all before  
But you never really had a doubt  
I don't believe that anybody feels  
The way I do about you now_

For the first time in ages I didn't feel like I wanted a drink, I didn't feel empty. I wanted to scream out loud that I was okay, that it was okay and. Angel made me feel safe, he made me feel like nothing could hurt me, like the worst was over

_And all the roads we have to walk along are winding  
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding  
There are many things that I would  
Like to say to you  
I don't know how_

I sat in the same place I did when he was telling me his story, I didn't move, I waited for him to come over but he didn't he sat In his corner looking at me. His brown hair stood up perfectly and the side of his mouth was curled into a perfect half smile

_Because maybe  
You're going to be the one who saves me?  
And after all  
You're my wonderwall_

"Buffy Summers you really are special"

"No ones ever said that to me" I told him

"Everyone should get told that they are special in one way or another"

"Angel can I ask you a question?"

"Ask away" He said

I swallowed, thinking hard how to say my question.

"Why are you marrying Willow?" I asked with a sad tone. I couldn't help but sound disappointed because truthfully I was, I was extremely disappointed and jealous. I couldn't help but think that if I hadn't gone to New York then I would have been the one marrying some gorgeous guy

"I love her" He answered.

My heart felt like it was about too explode, I had no one to blame but my self. Why else would he be marrying her? Of course he loved her. Sometimes I could be so stupid. I'd been so infatuated with the idea that Angel might feel something for me that I had completely over looked the idea that he just might be in love with the person he's marrying. I wanted the floor to swallow me alive and quickly.

Angel got up and extended his hand to help me up

"We better sort these suits out or Willow will have a fit" He joked. I nodded.

I just wanted to go to the bronze and drink myself to death. I didn't feel happy no more, I didn't feel like it was all going to be alright, I felt empty and depressed like no one could stop my sadness, no one.

The curtain was suddenly pulled open my the shop assistant who was beaming at us both

"Have you decided?" She asked looking back and forth from me and Angel

I shook my head. I couldn't say anything because if I did my voice would have been all shaky. Angel picked up on my silence because he lifted my chin and looked into my eyes with a questioning look. I shook him off and gave him a weak fake smile

"I think the bride's going to have to come and have a look" Angel told the assistant who just smiled back

"Been in there all this time and you haven't decided? What were you doing there?" Spike asked grinning.

"Yeah Buff, jeeze. Your supposed to be good at this sort of things" Xander piped in

"I think Buffy needs to get back to Willow"

I looked at Angel whose eyes were cold, I didn't understand why, I hadn't said anything, it was him who crushed me

"Yeah, I better get going, see you guys later, have fun" I waved them all goodbye before exiting the shop and rushing down the road. Ones I was far enough I hid in an empty alley way with my back against the wall sobbing. For a moment I felt like I had been saved, how could all that go? Why did I have to ask him? I really was walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

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_[A/N: Whoo and update much sooner then the last, hopefully the next one will be just as quick. Thank you all for your amazing reviews, keep them coming I enjoy reading them. Song by Oasis. Thaaaaaaaaank you all]_


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